Perfectionism and failure.

Hi. I'm Sven, and I'm a perfectionist.

Looking back, I know why: I got more validation from what I could do than from who I was. Key figures in my life made it clear to me the costs of being less-than-perfect. My grandmother was one of those people, and though I've cut her completely out of my life (for better or for worse), I still act in ways that originated in my frantic avoidance of missing her expectations. Not just her: teachers praised me for being really fucking smart. My peers too. That was all I heard when I was a kid, and I still wince when I hear that.

So perfectionism is why we fail. We internalize the abusive discourses of this society that compel you to avoid failure at all costs, and I don't know about you, but it's cost me dearly: I've run from relationships, turned down jobs, cancelled my grand plans, and am ruining my health. This cannot be my life anymore. Even if I 'fail'.

So what Buddhism has to say about my condition is that I'm suffering because I'm attached to striving. You can hardly blame me: my culture undervalues compassion in favor of efficacy, and tells us that without the approval of others, we are losers. Buddhism gently disagrees and offers a third way between mindless self-indulgence and the self-inflicted suffering of asceticism. Life sucks, and it's mostly because we make it suck for us and for others.

More on this sometime later, but I had a good birthday, and this string of bad days is really hammering some things home.