Destiny/growth: the odds are good, but the goods are odd

So here's an interesting perspective from social psychology on the differences in motivations, goals, and beliefs in relationships: people orient themselves on a continuum between destiny and growth. In brief, destiny-oriented people concern themselves with determining the status and potential of nascent relationships from the beginning, while growth-oriented people emphasize the process, and place more energy into maintaining and growing the relationship over time, despite setbacks and challenges.

Growth and destiny: differences and definitions

Destiny-oriented people believe that relationships are 'meant to be', and move on very quickly when it their partners deviate from their ideals. They tend to develop feelings of love very quickly, but also move on quickly when their partners deviate from their ideals. They also believe that their personal qualities (intelligence, attractiveness, character) are relatively fixed. The sea being as full of potential fish as it is, they feel it's more worthwhile to abandon an unsatisfying relationship to risk the same with a new relationship.

Growth-oriented people believe that initial compatibility is not as important and focus instead on overcoming mutual challenges. For them, relationships are strengthened by challenges, and so they tend to delay their assessments of the viability of their relationships until they realize that no further growth between the two partners is possible. They are less likely to end a relationship of their own initiative, and are less likely to engage in casual (i.e. non-committed) romantic relationships than destiny-oriented individuals.

I'm taking these definitions, by the way, from this paper on the subject. It's a good starting point for anyone wanting to know more about how growth and destiny are interwoven with other personality traits, including locus of control over personal qualities.

The good, bad, and beautiful

But here's the catch: neither orientation is inherently good or bad. Putting on my anthropologist's hat for a second, it rarely pays to describe what people do as 'good' or 'bad'. It's far more useful and satisfying to understand the motivations and beliefs underlying people's actions and interactions.

So, destiny-oriented people can get caught up in an endless cycle of serial monogamy, moving from partner to partner in an endless quest to find 'The One', but people who lean more toward this orientation are also more willing to take risks, and sometimes, it works out. Case-in-point: my first serious girlfriend was a strongly destiny-oriented person. We saw some lovely qualities in each other, fell in love quickly, and were talking about possibly marrying each other when we graduated college. But when I deviated from her ideal, she left me and moved onto someone else later that week, someone far closer to what she was looking for. She's now happily married to that person.

Growth-oriented people run the risk of staying in unhealthy relationships well past the point when they should have moved on. My mother is a strongly growth-oriented person; her first husband (my biological father) was an abusive alcoholic, but she stuck with him right up to the point when he became a threat to our lives, and in subsequent relationships, she wound up with some pretty dubious men, put enormous amounts of effort in keeping those relationships going, and only moved on when those efforts jeopardized my sister's and my well-being. She acknowledges the imperfections in my current step-father, but they both have made it work for more than seven years, and there's something to be said for that.

Growth, destiny, and society

Both destiny and growth orientations are traits that are viewed positively in our society --- consider the connotations of the expressions 'love at first sight' and 'love will find a way'. Best is to find a balance between the two extremes. I, like my mother, am a strongly growth-oriented person. But I honestly can't think of any one of the relatively few people I've dated who I'd consider to be a growth-oriented individual. This is at least partly because my delayed social development means I have a relatively small sample size relative to my peers, which confounds analysis, and so I'm curious to see what would happen if I wound up with someone who's more into the 'love will find a way' side of things, rather than the 'love at first sight' trope.

Problem is, I'm drawn to destiny-oriented people. They tend to have qualities I find attractive --- optimism, initiative, transparent motivations, clear goals. If you and I have been between the sheets together, it's probably because I saw these things in you and wanted to learn something of these qualities for myself. Because it's all a wonderful learning experience for me, and I always come out a little wiser.

But I think about my close friends, and that's where my growth orientation is really obvious. If you and I are really close, it's extremely likely that when I first met you, I disliked you. In fact, I can't think of any one of my good friends that I initially liked. But you and I stuck it out, and I'm at a point now where I've put enough effort into enough such friendships that if I were to try and count the number of people I genuinely love and am loved by, I'd run out of fingers. There's something to be said for that, but I'm not sure I can figure it out tonight.

I'm gonna be in my bunk...